Regular readers of this blog have probably figured out by now that I am still alive.  Nearly eight months ago I was diagnosed with a Stage 4 Glioblastoma Multiforme Brain Tumor in my right frontal lobe.  Thanks to some brilliant surgery work, the tumor went away and we have been doing the radiation/chemo/eat more vegetables path to recovery.  In addition to the medicine, I've had a lot of help from friends and encouragement as well..  Some friends are still around.  Some can't stand the thought of me not being around, so they have kept their connections to e-mails and the occasional Emily Dickinson card.  Both reactions are alright as far as I'm concerned.  Just as long as they don't drop out completely.

I got some good news this week.  The remaining part of the tumor is shrinking.  The lay person translation is that we're kicking it's fanny.  As I look back over the last eight months, I think I can attribute being alive today to a couple of important things.  As I share them, I hope you see reasons for you as well. One of my oncologists wanted to know why I was still alive.  As we've worked together I think it's become apparent to him..

1. A Bigger Future:  All of my life depends on me being alive.  I have some big things to get done, some huge challenges to engage, some friends to reconnect with, and some enemies to be reminded who's boss.  I found that the bigger my future, the more energy that I had each day.  I can thank my coach and friend Dan Sullivan for that.  My two partners, Scott and Brian, my life partner, Christine, three women in Toronto with the last name Waller, and believe it or not, my veterinarian friends, Lori, Jason and Sue.  My three dogs are my office mates and a constant source of joy.  They need me and I need them.

2. Verdicts vs Opinions:  Initially, my oncologists told me that I had 3 to 6 months to live and getting my affairs in order was better than spending time on the treadmill.  Of course, I totally ignored that and focused on the treadmill first.  I think not taking the medical community's opinions as verdicts is why I'm still here.  Either one becomes a self fulfilling prophecy over time.  I just chose the life prophecy over the death prophecy.  My feeling was that if Death were coming for me, he would need an all day pass and a box lunch.

3. Being Victimless:  I've never thought the world was out to get me.  In fact, I've never thought the world knew I was even here.  Because I chose not to be a victim, I automatically opted out of the giant pity party that victims throw for each other.  I also opted out of the support group thing.  It's not that I'm above it.  It's just that they are not as focused on survival as I am or at least perceived I was.  My only focus is on the future and "what" will I do with it and not "why" this happened.

4. Contribution vs Consumption:  It's easy when you've been diagnosed with something like Cancer to suck the life out of everything around you including yourself.  I focused instead on what I could give out to other people to make their world a little better.  It's funny how taking the focus off of yourself has lots of benefits to it.

5. Entitlement:  The fact of life is that you are absolutely entitle to nothing.  You may be born with the ability to pursue life, liberty, and happiness, but nothing guarantees that all that works out.  The truth is that the lack of the absolute guarantee is what makes it work out for some and not others.  While you are not absolutely guaranteed you will get what you go after, you are guaranteed that if you try you will become more than what you were.  Going to law school, writing books, cancer, have not made me, they've simply revealed  me.   The challenges in life are what make us and not the easy shots.

Life is struggle and it's goal is domination.  There are higher dreams and greater meaning but the reality of life is that we are always in a kind of war to win more and more freedom, autonomy, and independence.  My fear eight months ago was not that I would die.  Death is such a little thing...an annoyance really.  My fear was that I could not engage life on my own terms.  So, I chose to design a plan where I acknowledged the disease but didn't indulge it. If it or anything else wins, it will be the fight of its life.

I love the Fourth of July.  I love Independence.   Most of all I love the idea of fighting the good fight, marching into Hell with a Heavenly cause, and daring the Devil to knock the snowball off my shoulder. I would rather wash windows for a living than exist inside the world of regulation and domination by bureaucrats with half the ambition of my entrepreneurial friends and none of the courage.

Ignore the expert verdicts, find bigger future things to dream about, and tell the Gods that would try and destroy you that what they give you, you will send back ten fold over time.  Most of all, treat all the illusions of disaster just the same. 

Passion and courage beat chemo and cancer over the long run.

Amen bro! You are an inspiration! Thank you!

 Shawn Brodof | 7/5/2009 8:51:56 PM