The Royal Family of Great Britain may be famous for lots of things but warmth isn’t one of them.  I watched the “drop by and see us while you’re here” visit yesterday with the Obamas and Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace and I have seen more closeness at a Chemlawn presentation in my neighborhood. 

For the first time since his administration began, I actually felt some empathy for Barack.  This is a guy who doesn’t like to lose, has a bucket load of brains, and an ego that is two parts confidence and one part fear, but shows up to play at the game anyway.  Michelle has more smarts in her little finger than perhaps the entire staff at the palace.  My point is that while the Obamas were literally bending over backwards to make sure they did everything right, the British Press and the British Etiquette Police were once again focusing on the wrong thing.

The issue yesterday (while the financial district was being ransacked by everyone from the “hate the bankers” crowd to the “save the earth” nut cases, was whether Michelle Obama committed an unforgivable gaff by touching the Queen on her shoulder during a photo opp..  The Queen should avail herself of every opportunity to be embraced no matter who does it.  I mean, it’s not like she would melt if someone reached out.  Her usual posture is that she has a Royal Stick Up Her Behind that chases everyone away.

The other gaff was that they gave her a gift she already had (not the palace) but an IPOD.  She and her hubby gave in return a framed picture of themselves.  I had this image of Barack and Michelle staying up really late on Air Force One picking out their favorite movies and show tunes to share with Libby and Phil, a sort of  “I like Gershwin, you like Gershwin…so let’s be friends” gesture.   A great deal of thought, a statement that we have to move past the vinyl record area in so many parts of our lives, and an attempt to say something about innovation and creativity, which to this point, Great Britain has limited to fish and chips and whether it’s OK to not have the vinegar.

The awkwardness and the small talk in the sound bite was almost embarrassing.  Here’s the President of the United States discussing the fact that he did not nod off during any of the meetings and that they had already had breakfast.  One can only imagine what was going through the Queen’s mind in the minutes before they walked in.

Queen Libby:  “Now, who are these people again?”  Do they have a Rose Garden or do they work in one?  And by the way, did YOU know they were black?

Queen Libby’s Husband: “The guy is the President of the United States and the girl is his wife.  They are over here trying to borrow money because they have cash flow problems.”

Queen Libby: “What on earth do we talk about with them?”

Queen Libby’s Husband:  “I don’t know.  Let’s ask where they had breakfast, whether they’d like to see the dogs or tour the stables and whether Waffle World was good for breakfast.”

“Queen Libby: “Are they going to be here all day.  I mean, do we have to actually find things to DO with them?”

Queen Libby’s Husband:  “I don’t think so sweetie.  He has to try and get the Moron in North Korea not to fire a missile and she is visiting with school children in the Council District”

Queen Libby:  “Good Lord, what will she tell them?  Some sort of rubbish that if they work really hard, study, stay off crack, and don’t make pimps their best friends that they can be just like us one day?”

Queen Libby’s husband:  “Well, of course not.  You know that everyone can’t have a house like we do, or a trust fund, or an adulterous son who likes to hunt in plaid skirts and ride horses with a woman whose face looks like ten miles of pasture fence.”

Queen Libbby: " Now they are from the United States of America, right?  Why is that name is so familiar to me?"

Queen Libby's Husband:  "That's the country that got started after a group of our citizens got really riled up over taxes.  Nothing in the beginning, just some malcontents moving away, but then it escalated into a big war."

Queen Libby: “So, if I understand this, we just greet them, don’t wince if they forget that they are not supposed to touch us, and make small talk about global depression, our dogs, their children, and exchange gifts?  Then after all that we can sit back in the royal Jacuzzi, chug down a Guinness, and finish the DVR’s of American Idol?”

Queen Libby’s Husband:  “Pretty much so.”

Queen Libby:  “Oh, thank God.  I thought I was actually going to have to do something today.”

As a footnote for future visits:

The photograph of the Royal Couple  came from Aisle 6 in Hallmark Card section of the Monarchy Warehouse.  There are lots of things I want on my table in the foyer but an unsigned photo in a silver frame of the Queen of England is probably number 12 of five top things.  Except for the wardrobe and some wrinkles, it’s the same photo they gave the other 11 Presidents.  Stability and consistency are so important in even the little things in England..

My recommendation to the Monarchy, the British Press, and the Royal Family is really simple:

1. Lighten up
2. Breathe through your nose
3. Convert Buckingham Palace to Condos as quickly as possible.

Americans separated themselves from England because of taxation without representation.  They could’ve used conversation without connection just as well.